like there is something missing in my life and I know it's not a boyfriend. It seems like I just go on a routine and nothing nice seems to happen anymore. No little surprises, no more spontaneous things. It's awful to be sad. It's awful that you know why you're sad, and because of it, you feel absolutely lacking.

Is this the result of me growing up? I know I'm taking a pretty serious course (Political Economy for god's sake), and I get a nice and fuzzy feeling when I debate, but it doesn't seem enough anymore. I think I need a break from my life. I learned in my Family class that maturity is the development of one's personality apart from a group. Perhaps I'm getting too mature...

I sometimes think that I just miss my PHP friends. I do miss them. Spending an entire week with them in Shangri-La was a good experience. I miss seeing everyone in robes. I miss mixing colors. God, I even miss seeing Sam in school! I miss those things.

I also sometimes think that I need to see the beach; to feel the sand between my toes, to jump whenever a tide comes, or just lie in the sand for a tan...

Perhaps I really do just need a friend right now. I'm all alone in my classes and that has never happened before. I miss my friends even if I sometimes don't like them. I miss the way Tami and I used to talk in our APS class, or the way Mau will seriously take down notes, or Chi sleeping. I hardly see them anymore due to my impossible schedule. Mau now hangs out with her IMC friends because they all have the same sked...

I suppose I should be grateful at one point. I think that not being with them will be good for me somehow.

But the feeling of lacking is still there and I can't even explain it.

I remember talking to a good friend about her crush and how she knew everything there is to know about him.

I was sitting with her. I was reading Cicero and she was trying to read Freud. She couldn't concentrate because he was in her direct view. It made me smile how distracted one can be when the object of your affections is within plain sight and can make you forget everything that you're doing. Suddenly, you're just content looking and maybe smiling because of what he's doing. Wishing that you're at his table and you're doing your readings never minding that he doesn't talk to you as long as you're near him.

It was such a giddy thought because G was also there.

You don't mind that he can be laughing his head off from some joke his cousin pointed out, or the fact that he moves from table to table because his stuff is in yours and you know that he'll always come back despite his wanderings. You don't mind it when he jokes about you being serious because he's talking to you and more so because he notices you. He notices how frustrated you can be with numbers but passionate about everything else. He noticed what course you're taking even if you mentioned it eons and eons ago and knows how much you have to study for it.

You know that he doesn't mind when you ask him to use his phone because your phone bill is huge, or the fact that he never minds to loan you cash because your friends are fighting over who's going to pay for the printing. You know that he doesn't mind you sitting in the passenger seat although you feel insecure about it, or the fact that he makes the car roll back on an inclined plane because he finds it funny and you seem a bit scared about it.

You find it funny how at ease he can always be whether in presentations where he can make everyone laugh due to his style of reporting addressing Napoleon like an old friend or whether you mock him because of his whiteness and how close his color is to the wall. And the mere fact that he pressed himself to the wall was funnier. Or how at ease he can be dressing up in the middle of the caf, tucking in his dress shirt in his formal pants wearing sneakers, never minding the lunch crowd. So is he terribly at ease even in the midst of strangers and still look so endearing when his newly cut hair sticks up in all directions because he just got up and went straight to school because of the fitness exam. Then you suddenly don't mind that you look like crap because he looks the same and it was way too early in the morning.

You felt sunnier than the sun when you were talking to him during the summer. He was always willing to help you revise for calculus. He always said "hi" to you too. And the fact that he always initiated the greeting with a happy note makes your hidden smile grow. You hanged out with him in the caf and got to know his friends well who made you feel like you belonged to his group.

Then there were the rumors that he liked someone. Your smile diminishes and you look forlornly down at whatever is in front of you. You turn back to reading because there is nothing that is going on between you but casual friendship.

So then all you can do is look from a far and content yourself with knowing these things that he doesn't know you know. Something inside you grows warm at the thought that you like him just the way he is, even if he's as white as the wall, or as aloof as James Bond. It is that continuous longing or that wish that perhaps you can be more than just friends, but that's a long shot.

So just like my friend who was sitting with me, you just try to read Cicero while he remains in your direct view. Sooner or later, the crowd thickens and you lose sight of him. That's when you know, that although you did leave the world together, he found another star to settle in.

I think someone caught my attention.

He also happens to be marked by someone, who is intimately connected to me- my cousin.

It's silly, I'm trying to deny that I like him because of previous experience, but the heart seems to have a mind of its own and begins to control how I react whenever he's around.

I start blushing. That has never happened before. Never in front of a boy. Never in front of anyone. My entire face heats up whenever he's around, more so, when he sat at our table in Starbucks. My face was so hot that I had to keep touching my face with my cold hands, willing myself not to blush. But my face refused to cool down so I had to concentrate reading Aquinas.

I can't help but stare into his eyes. This is the first time I liked a singkit guy. His eyes always seem to have that mysterious and mischievous look that makes butterflies fly in my tummy. It's so awkward, because whenever he looks at me, it seems like he's looking what is beyond my face. I feel so exposed.

I can't help but wonder how amazingly red his lips are. Have I ever mentioned I like red lips in a guy? I do. They look so damn kissable that you just want to taste them. The way his mouth moves whenever he talks is so mesmerizing. I seem to drink in whatever he's saying, and it doesn't even bother me that he calls me "Mother." In fact, I rather like it. It's a secret that we formed.

He is undeniably sweet. So diabetically sweet. He offers me the long-back computer chair because he says it's more comfortable. He offers to help us whenever Ada and I come across a difficult reading and he explains it perfectly. He pulls a sad face because I didn't come to the Debate Society's general assembly.

His smile is just heart-wrenchingly cute. It's as if he utterly means it and his eyes twinkle even if I make fun of him. He always caught my eye in our majors class and smiled at me as if he and I knew something nobody else knew. It was the first time that a smile made me feel so giddy that I had to switch seats that was farthest from him because he was distracting me.

But, there is a but.